The 2016 Stephen GW Parker Beach Bocce Ball Blast Memorial Tournament was another year of continued success in the efforts to create “fun in the sun” and Bocce on the Beach. Thanks to everyone who came out and enjoyed the day at the beach and especially to those who handled their set of balls with prowess.
As per usual, we started the day with an introductory video followed by the S.T.O.O.G.E. (Supreme Tournament Overlord Of Gaming Excellence) randomly picking the competition and explaining the rules…also, randomly!
The team to beat in 2014 was the incredible team of tremendously triumphant and titillating talent known as C’MON NOW! This was a compilation of such tremendous talent it was nearly hard to believe there would be any chance for any other ballers in 2015, much less 2016. But, the team led by the Younger David Parker of AJ, Jackie, David, and the new Matt was upended in 2015 and then again 2016 trying a different name and tactic as NO SAKE BOMBS, PLEASE whereby every team who played them had to have a participant slam a sake bomb with one member from their team prior to the initial toss. Things, again, were not to go as planned.
Once again, the upstarts from Jacksonville Beach, A. M. Lumber, were hell bent on annihilating the field. It didn’t look good to start, however, as the AM Lumber good not muster their morning wood. After an initial setback to the NO SAKE BOMBS, PLEASE in their very first game, however, they proceeded to run the table. The team of Brian, Brad, Mike, and Doug were not to be denied as they finished the regular play with only the one defeat in two years to the NO SAKE BOMBS, PLEASE going down on them 15-8.
A. M. Lumber, taking their one loss into the final, matched up against the Pallino Busters who upset the heretofore undefeated mighty NO SAKE BOMBS, PLEASE!!! in a last second Toss Off. Though the Pallino Busters strode in to the final with confidence, they were unable to dent the firm grip of the A. M. Lumber team on the victorious Happy Ending they were striving for. A.M. Lumber was again the victor claiming THE BIGGEST BALLS ON THE BEACH.
The awards were given followed by the Parker Pride Parade led by the mighty S.T.O.O.G.E. and his DDCDD (Dynamic Drum Corps Delivery Dufus) sidekick. The subsequent consumption of a pile of juicy weiners from the Host with the Most concluded the fun filled frolicking with definitive finality. Thanks to the Turners and to RT specifically for being the best S.T.O.O.G.E. known to mankind…and, perhaps the only one. Chris Parker, as the DDCDD, should also be thanked for his contribution to the beaches disruptions.
The awards were as follows:
- Biggest Balls on the Beach – A. M. Lumber
- Nearly Unbeaten Balls – Pallino Busters
- Tightest Balls – NO SAKE BOMBS, PLEASE!!! with a tight set
- Longest Kiss – Jacob Parker of Sand Goats with 65 feet of precarious puckering
- Master Blaster – Chewbocces
- Virgin Baller – Natalie from The Stragglers!!!
- Youngest Baller – Emma Parker at 12 years going on 31 from the Flying Panther Monkeys
- Oldest Baller – David “Flexible” Parker Sr. – 82 years of solid knowledge
- Juiciest Weiner – Harriett – pounds of delightful dripping meat
- The Money Shot – unclaimed this year due to everyone playing to perfection
- Sweetest Sack – Chris Parker from Sand Goats
- Tenderest Baller – Amanda Miles from the Flying Panther Monkeys takes home the most coveted award which represents all that was Stephen…tough but tender and, by all means, fun and happy at all times.
- Nearest Nuptials – Mike & Alicia from Pallino Busters are given the utmost in best wishes as Mike ties up his balls for beatings till death do them part…or, the pain is too overwhelming.
We had such a tremendous set of teams this year with their many lovely balls and sacks, it was hard to fit them all on the beach. Fortunately we managed the tides and tiny beach scenarios, not to mention tiny bikini distractions, particularly the Euro guy in his loose fitting elastic. The teams battled hard. Here are the final team records as per our STOOGE:
|AM Lumber||5 – 1|
|Pallino Busters||4 – 2|
|“NO” Sake Bombs, PLEASE!!!||4 – 1|
|Stragglers||4 – 1|
|Sand Goats||2 – 2|
|HB is FJ!||2 – 2|
|Damn Yankees||2 – 2|
|Flying Panther Monkeys||2 – 2|
|Sandy Balls||2 – 2|
|Hariatrics||1 – 3|
|Chewbocces||0 – 4|
|Honey Badgers||0 – 4|