The Stephen G. W. Parker Memorial Bocce Ball Beach Blast Tournament is over and the winners have been declared. HELL NO! was the cry, but “hell yes”, they won it all after a dismal effort in last year’s competition. The team led by perennial Hell No’er, EJ, has come through to win the 3rd Annual tournament in dramatic fashion. With one ball in hand and looking at a 25 foot shot up the dune into a blazing setting sun, the Hell No! team faced certain elimination to the upstart HB is FJ first timers. But the shot was sound as the sand settled around the balls to reveal a placement within mere centimeters from the unsuspecting pallino. HB is FJ had three balls to unseat the strategically placed four pound chunk of bakelite, but to no avail as Hell No! walked away with the honor of BEST BALLS ON THE BEACH!!! Well done to the team from Jacksonville Beach.
HB is FJ, headed by perennial baller, Mike Remo, gave Hell No! their best match of the day, but fell in the final toss. Though the loss was excruciatingly painful to Mr. Remo, he was found to be happily drowning his sorrows nearby at the beer stand within moments. Hell No! claimed the coveted award certificate as well as a hand made coaster declaring them the Stephen Parker BBB Champs for 2013. But, there were many other winners on the day. We gave out the following prizes:
- Longest Kiss – Marcus Turner who gently caressed his ball against the pallino through 68 feet of sheer pleasure.
- Virgin Baller – Samantha for her heroics as a first timer on the finalist HB is FJ team.
- Tightest Balls – Team Finkelicious for the tightest grouping of balls by a team around the pallino at a cluster of only 14 inches in diameter.
- Master Blaster – Rainey Zimmerman was given the honor as many teams reported her continuing success at blasting things up at opportune, or maybe, inopportune times.
- Money Shot – Rob Turner was awarded this coveted prize for specifically turning his semifinal game from a secure victory to a disastrous loss in two easy steps.
- Juiciest Wiener – Harriet Turner once again exhibited her prowess in procuring the plumpest pile of peckers you ever placed on your palate.
- Sweetest Sack – Cindy Z. Parker was deemed to have the sweetest sack with her classic crate of balls from Stephen’s collection going old school.
- Most Beaten – Tumblehome Tossers managed to have the most beaten balls at the beach with no wins mustered.
- Hell No! – this award, named after the famous line EJ received on the beach by some passing babes, is awarded to the biggest Crash and Burn player. Darcy Curtin took home the honors for having assembled such an abysmal group of Tossers.
- Youngest Baller – Andrew Finkel represented the youngest baller on the beach having played with his balls in a substitute roll nonetheless qualifying his young talents.
- Oldest Baller – No one can seem to supplant the elder statesman, David F. Parker, as he took home this honor yet again. We will have to recruit some guys from Fleet Landing or somewhere to usurp his status.
- Sportsmanship – this is awarded to the person who exhibits true sportsmanship in the manner Stephen Parker lived his whole life. This year’s award went to Izaak, Jacob’s young baller friend with the Sand Goats.
- Best Ballers – HELL NO!!! Nice ball control!
Fun was had by all and all had fun. Look for more posts in the coming days and for photos to be coming soon.
Thanks to everyone who participated or came out to cheer on the participants. And, thanks to the Turners, one and all, for their gracious contributions.