The 2014 Stephen G. W. Parker Memorial Bocce Ball Beach Blast Tournament was another nail biting ball busting bonanza of a competition. The Wieners, and Award Winners have been declared, determined, and defined. HELL NO! was NOT the cry this year as, “HELL, YES!”, the upstart newcomers, C’MON NOW! screamed in to the final with an undefeated record and took the perennial favorites, Hell No!, out on to the tidal flats where they were able to smoke them like a ripe discarded half-smoked half extinguished moistened filter cigarette carelessly discarded near a receptical feigning environmental concern.
Last year’s dominators led by perennial Hell No’er, EJ, came up through the ranks as expected bending, if not breaking, the Murphy Rule of out distancing the competition. Thought the complaints were enumerable, Hell No! continued on their merry destruction on in to the final. But, it was not to be as C’Mon Now! with heralded leader, Jackie Parker, took the match to the flats where her impeccable bowling skills proved no match for the big strong drunken tan rolls of solid muscle from Jax Beach. The 4th Annual Tournament Championship drew little drama as the bashing was complete in a 14-2 romping of last year’s winners. C’Mon Now! is declared the winner of the 2014 Tournament and proud owner of BEST BALLS ON THE BEACH!!! Well done to the mixed team of Jackie, David, AJ and Matt from Atlantic Beach. The battle of the beaches is ON! C’Mon, Now!!!
Hell No! headed by perennial champion baller, EJ, quietly succumbed to the massive ballers from Atlantic Beach who proved to be tremendously accurate at kissing the balls from great distance on the tidal flats which were fully low at the time of the final. Once the pallino was relinquished, Hell, No! could not get back in to their favorite soft sand areas. Though the loss was excruciatingly painful to Mr. EJ, he was found to be happily drowning his sorrows nearby at the beer stand within moments. Hell No! relinquished the coveted Best Balls on the Beach award certificate to C’Mon Now! but declared they will return in 2015 with more meat and better strategy in the finals. C’Mon Now! received the award and a basket of mini-bottles of alcohol which they promptly consumed, but not before being crowned The Stephen GW Parker BBB Champs for 2014.
But, there were many other winners on the day, not to mention a plethora of fine Buddy Turner tastily toasted wieners being consumed. While the wieners were going down, we gave out the following prizes:
- Longest Kiss – Jacob Parker who gently caressed his ball against the pallino through 55 feet of sheer pleasure.
- Virgin Baller – Kathleen for her heroics as a first timer on the dismal Waltz Team.
- Tightest Balls – Team Finkelicious for the tightest grouping of balls by a team around the pallino at a cluster of only 14 inches in diameter.
- Master Blaster – Naomi Larrabee Smith was given the honor as many teams reported her continuing success at blasting things up at opportune, or maybe, inopportune times.
- Money Shot – Jacob Parker again was awarded this coveted prize for specifically turning his game up to maximum caress for sheer pleasure on many occasions.
- Juiciest Wiener – Harriet Turner once again exhibited her prowess in procuring the plumpest pile of peckers you ever placed on your palate as Buddy was more than happy to toast his tasty classics for your juiciest pleasure.
- Sweetest Sack – Chris Parker arrived with a brand new carrying device which we deemed was aptly sack like though not traditionally so. He was deemed to have the sweetest sack with her classic crate of balls from Stephen’s collection going old school.
- Most Beaten – The Sand Goats managed to have the most beaten balls at the beach with no wins mustered.
- Hell No! – this award, named after the famous line EJ received on the beach by some passing babes, is awarded to the biggest Crash and Burn player. Don Waltz took home the honors this year for having assembled such an abysmal group of Tossers.
- Youngest Baller – Aiden Jones represented the youngest baller on the beach having played with his balls in nothing less than a prepubescent professional at 11 years of age.
- Oldest Baller – No one can seem to supplant the elder statesman, David F. Parker, as he took home this honor yet again. We will have to recruit some guys from Fleet Landing or somewhere to usurp his status.
- Sportsmanship – this is awarded to the person who exhibits true sportsmanship in the manner that our beloved Stephen GW Parker lived his whole life. This year’s award went to our Australian first-timer, Bonnie Wilks, who was visiting on her way to the northern reaches with her parents and long time Egyptian friends, Doug and Nikki Wils. Stephen would have been highly approving of this award.
- Best Ballers – C’MON NOW!!! Nice ball control!
Fun was had by all and all had fun. Look for more posts in the coming days and for photos to be coming soon.
Thanks to everyone who participated or came out to cheer on the participants. And, thanks to the Turners, one and all, for their gracious contributions.